kansaspotato

My humorous transition into adulthood

Happy days! June 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — kansaspotato @ 5:44 am

I’ve been m.i.a for the last couple of days and I apologize. I’ve been working like crazy. Not only have I been working a lot, but it’s been busy as hell, and I’m having to work at another one of their shops. So really all I’ve been doing is eating, sleeping, and working. Woo! Super exciting life I’ve been living! However, working this much as really spread my nerves extremely thin and at some points during the day I just want to throw something. In response to these urges, I’m going to write a list (I like lists) of why I’m lucky.

 

Here we go!

 

1. All these hours are going to help me pay for the things I need for my sisters wedding. So in reality, these hours are a good thing…… really they are…..

2. There was a thunderstorm today. Not while I was swamped at work, but on the way home and while I was reading my book on the patio. It really lifted my spirits.

3. Hello kitty fleece pajama pants. They make me extremely happy. Especially when I’m eating a frozen pizza and watching comedy central.

4. Guys in spandex. I should explain why I see so many guys in spandex. They’re training for a huge marathon. A full grown man, walking around in spandex that is so tight he’s having a male camel toe, makes me laugh.

5. Apple juice and frozen pizza. I love apple juice. It’s one of my favorite beverages. Frozen pizza is quick and easy, and filling, and leaves left overs! Major plus! I now have lunch for work tomorrow!

6. My amazing bed. Oh man. This has to be right up there on my ‘love’ list these days. I’m not spending as much time with it as I wish, but when I do, it’s magical.

7. Good friends. I don’t have many good friends up here, but the ones I do have are amazing. They get me so well. I can bitch to them, laugh with them, cry with them and they just know what to say. Everybody needs at least one good friend.

8. Having a truck that doesn’t have too many problems. It’s not the newest, or the prettiest, but she sure does sound nice and gets me from A to B.

9. Having cable. This one is pretty self explanatory. 

10. Getting new shoes. I needed new tennis shoes so badly. I had my last pair for oh, about five years and there was absolutely nothing nice looking or comfortable about them anymore. I finally got some yesterday and was jumping with joy. My feet thank me. I finally have support!

11. Having people on here that think I’m funny and interesting enough to follow. When I got my first follower I was pretty happy. I didn’t think I’d be so excited, but I really was! So to all (5) of my followers, thank you!

There is plenty more, but I have been thinking all day and I’m almost positive my brain is sitting on the table, looking at me. It’s been a long day. This potato needs her bed.

What makes you happy?

 

People in public June 20, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — kansaspotato @ 7:40 am

It astounds me how people leave the house and how they act in public. I used to think that people had some pride in themselves, until I moved away from home. Maybe I just didn’t notice it there, or was immune to it or something. I’m not sure. I just know that now, I notice it, and it is troublesome.

People don’t shower as regularly as they should. I don’t know about you, but I shower on a daily basis. Especially when I’m leaving the house. However, some people don’t seem to think that they smell. Let me tell ya, you’re a ripe one. Wooowee! I don’t get how a person can leave the house smelling so badly of B.O. or urine and just not be aware of it. Please, just turn on the hose with a bar of soap and wash yourself down real quick.

 

Do you fart in public? Sure. Most do. However, a person usually does not bend over, pushing, causing so much strain that it can be seen on your face, then simply saying ‘I didn’t know that was going to happen’, and then looking at me with disgust as I step back. It was making me gag and I was in the middle of a transaction with him. I had to actually turn my head and put my nose in my shirt to contain my gagging it was that bad. Don’t do this. It’s rude and once you leave, people look at me like I did it.

 

Get a shirt that fits. I understand that you’re a larger person, but I know they make shirts big enough to cover your stomach. No one wants to see your hair stomach hanging below your belt. Can’t you feel a breeze on it or your hair blowing?

Ladies, your breasts belong in your shirt. I do not want to see part of a nipple. Trust me, when you’re old enough to be my grandmother, no one does. Do not wear a t-shirt that comes up to just below your breasts and call it good, especially when you’re pushing 300 pounds. One of the worst I’ve seen is a grandmother aged woman with no bra or shirt, simply wearing one of those fish net swim suit shirts. It was horrendous.

 

These are just some of the things that I can think of. If you have anymore, please leave it in a comment!

 

Why me?! June 19, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — kansaspotato @ 5:09 am

Today was my day off. For the last month, I have been constantly running around for other people, so I was excited to relax and spend today with a friend, clean, do laundry and make some cookies. It was turning out to be a gorgeous day. The sun was shining, birds chirping, and a slight breeze. I was excited about being able to open up the windows and air out the apartment. As I finish my cup of coffee, I jump in the shower and proceeded to get ready for the day. As I was taming my curls, my phone start vibrating on the bathroom counter. I look down and the screen simply says ‘work’. Oh no. I contemplate not answering, letting it go to voicemail, and saying that I was asleep. However, being the good employee that I am, I could not do that. damnit. The conversation went a little like this:

Kansas, I need you to come into work. Such and such called in’.

‘Umm.. boss lady… umm.. well, I already have… umm.. yea. I’ll be in in an hour’.

Now, I know that such and such is not actually sick. I have her added on Facebook and she had posted something about going out last night.

 

I had to cancel my day because someone had a hangover.

 

That being said, I was not the happiest person going into work. The little things that customers do that I normally just let roll off my back, were bugging the utter crap out of me. Because of that, I have compiled a list of things that I hate most about being a retail employee.

 

The List

1. Do not throw your debit card at me

I am not your dog. I will not fetch it. I am not beneath you. I am a person paid to be nice to you, you asshole. Hand me your card like a decent human being.

2. Put your phone down

Firstly, no one wants to hear about how your grammy’s colonoscopy went. No one. Secondly, it is not hard to say, ‘hold on a minute’ and put your phone down. If you don’t do that, don’t treat me like I’m a dick for interrupting your conversation. Put your phone down, get your shit, pay, and leave. It’s quite simple.

3. Don’t get pissy at me for your being late

Are you serious? Really? You’re going to stand there and get upset at me for your bad time management? Did it ever occur to you to leave earlier? Or to not come into a place with a full parking lot? Bet you’re regretting that candy bar and pop that you oh so desperately needed. Here’s a hint, if you’re telling me you’re in a hurry and being a complete and utter asshat the entire time, it’s only going to encourage me to work slower. 🙂

In these next two points, I’m going to sound extremely conceited, but believe it or not, it happens a lot. Not just to me, but to all the female employees. Proceed.

4. Do not hit on me

It’s not attractive. It really isn’t. You’re not some big player, trust me. I will not give you my ‘digits’ while I’m at work. In fact, if you ask for my ‘digits’, I will not give them to you. I’m at work, paid/forced to be nice to you. If I flirt with you, then feel free to flirt back. But, if I show no interest whatsoever, don’t do it buddy. Save yourself some embarrassment.

5. Do not stare at my chest and/or ass

I know I’m well endowed. I have been all my life. I don’t need you staring at them the entire time of the transaction. Just, stop. Also, do not tell your friend I have a nice ass loud enough that I can hear you and then expect me to be nice to you. You’re lucky I need this job or else I would jump over the counter and slap all 10 teeth out of your dirty mouth. One more thing, don’t have me walk to the back of the store to look at something for you, stop me half way, and say, ‘sorry, I just wanted to watch you walk away’, You’re a dirty old man.

6. Please, don’t tell me your life story

I really don’t mind the conversation, sometimes. However, when the store is full of people and I need to be done with you about 5 minutes ago, don’t tell me your life story. I’m sorry to hear that your mouse died, I am. But I don’t you know, and my coworkers, manager, and customers are looking at me like I’m an ass. If I’m looking at you, then to the line of customers behind you, and then back to you the entire time, take the hint.

7. Don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot

I promise I know more about the products we carry than you do. Don’t act like I’m some fool because I’m standing behind the counter and you’re in front of it. Don’t talk to me loudly, enunciating to the point where you sound like you’re talking to someone who doesn’t speak English, and pointing to where you think the product you want it. Actually, keep doing that. It’s funny when I walk in the opposite direction to where you pointed to get the product you wanted.

8. Know what the hell you want by the time you get up to me

I know it’s hard to know what you want. I know. It’s very difficult. Especially when you’ve been staring at the product for the last 5 minutes, driving 30 minutes to this particular shop to get what you want, and using said product every single day. But please, continue to look at me like I’m stupid for not knowing what you want.

Now for a funny cat picture.

 Image

I’m sure a lot of people can relate to this. If you have anything to add, please feel free to leave a comment.

Picture from roflcat.com

 

Shots and Hairy Toes June 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — kansaspotato @ 9:00 am

It’s a Saturday night, I’m sitting in the parking lot at work waiting for my friend to get off work so our drinking and bitching can begin. I’m bored out of my mind. I have no service and no one in the vicinity had wifi. Cheap bastards. Then I remember that I have vodka and beer in my truck, and luckily for me one of my favorite people had just gotten off work. As I see him walking out to the back parking lot, I ask him if he wants a beer and of course he says yes. So we did a shot and had a couple beers. I live such an exciting life. 

Once he leaves, I head inside because I can’t take the boredom and some creepy car is just sitting in the back parking lot. I walk inside and see a male customer walking around…. in flip flops. I do not have a problem with men wearing flip flops. It’s the summer time. I get it. But, what I don’t get is that they have to have their nasty hairy toes out on display. No one wants to see that business. Either put them away or take care of them. Eww.

As the doors close behind the customer, I immediately let it be known that men wearing flip flops with gross nasty toes bugs me. Mainly because one of the people working was a guy and also because I was starting to feel the shot and beer. My friend and I have a discussion with the male coworker about why that’s not okay, giving him metaphors that he would understand. 

The store closes up, I take another shot, and we leave. I was not driving, by the way. The sober friend was. We start driving to her place and I tell her that I’m hungry and want her scrumptious fried potatoes. She informs me that she doesn’t have any potatoes. It then became my mission to convince her to stop at a grocery store to get some. She did not enjoy my annoyingly off tune potato song, so five minutes later we pull into a grocery store. I win!

Once in the store, we get what we need for the fried potatoes and for breakfast in the morning. We’re standing in line and the guy behind us is getting some of my favorite orange juice. So naturally, I compliment him on his excellent orange juice picking skills. My charm was too much for him to resist because he keeps talking to me. We’re talking about the funny commercial and how other orange juices just don’t compare to ‘ours’. Yes, I did have a 5 minute conversation about orange juice with some stranger in the grocery store at midnight. In my current state of mind, I thought I was in love. That is, until I looked down to fix my pant leg and noticed them.

‘Oh no!’I thought.

Things were going well’. I thought.

That was until I noticed… the hairy toes. Yes! It’s true! It really is quite a shame. And in my current state, slightly tipsy, I simply tell him that he should consider shaving his toes. The surprise on his face was a surprise to me. He had to know he had hairy toes. Couldn’t he feel the hair blowing in the wind?!

I feel like I was doing a public service. Maybe me telling him would make him tell his friends. Hopefully. Fingers crossed.

-Kansas

 

Beer: It’s what’s for dinner June 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — kansaspotato @ 6:12 am

I know I should try and write about something happy or interesting that happened today. There were multiple interesting things that happened, but I cannot write about them. Why is that, you ask? Because I realized today that I…. I have been single for a year. A YEAR! Good lord. I realized this about half way through my shift at work but had to continue being happy because ‘I’m the face of the company’. Blah, Blah, Blah. However, just because I was forced to be happy at work, does not mean I have to do it now. After getting off work and arriving home, I put on my comfiest, baggiest sweats, immediately plugged into my ear buds, turned on my loudest, angriest music, and grabbed a beer.

Here I am, one beer deep (and by one, I mean four), pissed at myself for being upset. I don’t understand why I’m so damn upset over this. It’s not like my last relationship was the greatest and the ex and I still talk. He was a cheating asshole. I think it has something to do with confidence and what not. The fact that every crush I’ve had in the last year has lead to absolutely nothing. ziltch, nadda, nothing. It’s not like I don’t let them know about it too. Laughing at their stupid jokes, touching their arms when I’m talking to them, saying things like ‘Oh! You like breathing? So do I! We should do it together sometime!’ However, that offer is never been taken.

I’ve tried putting myself out there. Online dating and the like, but all I get are a creepy guys with kids older than me that see no problem in the matter (true story). It’s never a regular guy my age. It’s either creepy older guys or guys who are already stage five clingers without even meeting. Awesome.

I also gave my number to one guy. Finally got the confidence to do that. It was a week long ordeal trying to get the confidence to do that. I was shaking like a leaf. Poor guy probably felt bad for me. Anyways, that also lead nowhere. We texted a few times and that’s about it. And I must say, they were pretty boring texts too. I have had more interesting conversations with myself than I did with that guy.

Basically, I’m scared shitless of rejection. Rejection is a bitch. End of story. We all know this. We’ve all been through it and we all survive through it. If you want to find someone, you have to put yourself out there. You have to take chances. You have to jump and hope someone catches you. This is something I need to learn. This is something that I will learn. It may take some time, but I will.

However, I must go, I need another beer and my jam just came on. I’m about to turn this night of sulking into a dance party for one.

-Kansas

 

Cake and running June 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — kansaspotato @ 5:53 am

After coming home from work, frustrated with the day, I decide to go for a run to help relieve some stress. So I put on some shorts and a tank top thing and start trying to warm up a bit. Which entails putting on some music (Lady Gaga for some reason works REALLY well) and dancing a fool. So I’m dancing, already feeling better. As I leave the apartment a monumental part of the song comes on. So naturally, I strike the monumental song moment pose. Eyes closed, legs spread, one heel stomping to the beat, one hand clutched sitting on your chest, and the other hand pointed up to the sky with full on spirit finger action going on. It’s a really great pose…. when you’re alone. As I was striking the pose and mouthing the words with such great emphasis, I feel the urge to open my eyes. Low and behold my attractive male neighbor is standing there, groceries in hand, trying not to lose it. I blush, smile, and walk away as if nothing had happened.

I can already tell this is going to be an awesome run.

The area where I run is a secluded wooded area. I love it. Most of the time it’s just me, myself, and I. The occasional elderly person walking their 15 year old pug or a stoned teen. No big deal. I can handle that.

I’m about 30 minutes in and my favorite song for the moment comes on. It’s pretty upbear which makes me want to run faster. I’m running faster, not watching where I’m going like I usually do. The song ends so I stop and bend over to catch my breath. As I stand there, bent over, I start smelling something…. bad. I just figured it was something from someone’s yard that the wind had carried over, or a dog had just poo’d somewhere.

I arrive home feeling better than I did when I left. I head straight for the shower. After my shower I slip into my jammies, which consists of a tank top and my hello kitty fleece pajama pants that my grandma got me for Christmas. Thanks grandma! I always feel real grown up in these! I leave the bathroom and start smelling that bad smell again. Uh oh. Turns out some dog had just poo’d and I had stepped in it and tracked it into the apartment.

Great.

I get my industrial size spray bottle of 409 and clean it up. And by cleaning I mean spraying the absolute shit out of it, putting an old towel over it, scrubbing it with a broom handle, and then putting a towel around my hand to use another towel and even more 409 to finish cleaning it up. I don’t want to go into detail about what I had to do with my shoes. It was not pretty. Fecal matter and myself do not get along.

You might be asking yourself, where’s the cake? Well hold your horses, I’m getting there. geez. Patience IS a virtue!

After starting a load of laundry with only the 3 towels I used in it, I finally make my way to the kitchen to get some water. That is when I noticed the German chocolate cake sitting on the counter. Now, we all know how this goes.

No don’t eat it! Don’t do it! You’ve done well all day! The whole day will be wasted on this one piece of cake!

Which leads me to where I am now. Sitting on the couch, in my hello kitty fleece pajama pants, with a  shitty load of laundry going, listening to music, writing this…. and eating a delicious piece of German chocolate cake.

Don’t judge me. I deserve it after having to clean up what I did.

-Kansas

 

 

 

 

I really should go for a run or do some laundry…. June 14, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — kansaspotato @ 4:22 am

I should do something productive, but I cannot summon the energy. I can run in the morning, possibly, and laundry can be done later… like tomorrow.

So being the procrastinator I am, I’ve decided to pop in my ear buds and write about something that I think everyone sees on a daily basis; the muffin top. Now, I am not talking about the small ones. Oh no. I’m talking about the muffin tops that comes from a person trying to squeeze their size 5 ass into a size 3.

It’s just not attractive.

We all have that one friend that does this. I know I sure do. There are some days that on top of wearing the too small jeans, she wears a super tight shirt as well (oh sweetie). I just want to grab her by the shoulders and say ‘honey, just get the bigger size. Just DO it! You will look much better’ Alas, I don’t. When she asks if she looks okay, being the good friend I am, I of course say ‘yes! You look great!’ When in reality she looks like one of those pot roasts that you put the twine around. I believe that’s a pot roast. Maybe a pork roast? Okay, maybe not the that extent, but you get what I mean.

This is not just based on what I think. I’ve asked multiple other people if the pant size matters or if looking good in the size is better. They all agree, looking good in the size is what matters more. So why then do so many people, mainly girls, opt to get the smaller size which makes them look more pudgy then if they were to get the size that fits?

Simple. Confidence.

Because saying that you’re a size 3 is ‘more attractive’ then saying you’re a size 5. Honestly, I don’t understand it. That cannot be comfortable! This is probably why people are so damn cranky. They can’t breath or sit right! 

People, get the size that fits, not the size that makes you literally look like a muffin. I say that with so much kindness. I’m trying to help you! I promise!

If you  have anything to add, please feel free to leave it in a comment.

-Kansas

 

 

 
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